under the table and dreaming

Orange Glow

2009-10-01T17:24:00.000-07:00

What is it about the sunset that brings such strong emotions?

The force of nature itself witnessed by feeble human eyes. Making us stop in wonder, attempting to understand the power and grace of this act. Each day, waiting, at dusk, a fire burning out. My heart pours out the thoughts and feelings of the passing day. Remembering all that I have seen and participated in, watching a glorious light fade. Wondering what comes next.

Anxious for the dark. Then there will be a new light, a moon and stars to brighten the sky. Still, I am stuck to the orange glow that stains the trees and plants. Desperate for it to stay.

Desperate for time.

At Night

2009-07-04T23:17:00.000-07:00

At night.

When the clouds darken.

The sky turns black as onyx.

Tiny grains of glittering sand spread wide across the black night.

I gaze out my window to the corners of all space.

Contemplating all that was and all that could be.

Trees sway in the breeze.

Leaves rattle across the floor.

I’m exposed to all of nature’s life here in the dark.

Her images burn my mind as I struggle to retain my thoughts.

Here in the darkest of darks I wage my war on the things that steal my moments away.

The things that have no meaning or importance.

The thieves that come to capture my joys.

They will not take me or break me down.

Here in the darkness I am safe.

Cloaked by the shadows while my enemies sleep.

I plot and conspire with the shadows to save me.

At night.

When everything sleeps I embrace my truth.

Sisters

2009-05-14T01:05:00.000-07:00

The crisp Boston air hits Shelby’s face as she tugs the scarf closer to her nose. On the sidewalk at Logan International Airport she looks around. A couple of men are taking a smoke break and the waves of smoke drift towards her. She hails a taxi and tells the driver to take her to Copley Place. It has begun snowing, again. The land covered in a blanket of white makes her smile but this doesn’t show on her face. The cab stops at a red light and puts on the turn signal to hang a right. As they pull out on to the lane there is suddenly a loud noise as Shelby tries to brace herself from being thrown forward. She flinches at the racket from the car horn and the crunching sound of plastic and metal. Once they stop moving she realizes they’ve been hit by another car. The taxi driver had already gotten out of the car. He asks her if she’s ok through the glass window.

“Yeah, I’m fine. How’s the other driver?” Shelby answers as she opens the door and gets out. Fortunately no one was injured. After answering the police’s questions one of the officer’s offered to drive her home. Sitting in the passenger’s seat Shelby’s fingers nervously play with a keychain that hangs from her purse strap. The small shape of a peace sign once was shiny and pink. Now, like the memories of her sister Sara it’s worn and faded.

Shelby steps into the warm apartment lobby shedding the snow. She is greeted by Naomi Mitchell her FBI handler. They make their way upstairs to her new home, if you can call it that. Shelby’s never felt at home anywhere. Naomi opens the door to the apartment. Shelby walks around and notices the faded colors on the walls where pictures once hung. There’s a stale smell in the air that reminds her of cardboard.

“So, this is home.” Shelby says flatly.

“I guess you’ll be calling it that.” Naomi says as she runs her finger along the counter. It leaves a clean mark in the dust.

“It’s not bad. I’ve been in worse.” Shelby sighs.

Shelby remembers the house Sara and her lived in when Shelby was fourteen.

The place was a dump. It was burning hot in the summer. Sara and I shared a bed. We shared everything clothes, shoes, books. We didn’t have anything and we were just starting to realize how many things we really didn’t have. I tried to protect her.

“You have a few days before the job starts. Here are the files you need to review.” Naomi says laying a CD on the counter and leaves.

Shelby starts to unpack and picks up a shoebox. She opens the lid. Staring back is a picture of Sara and Shelby when they were kids. She remembers the day this was taken.

It was spring in Louisiana. We were at a birthday party. One of the parents took the picture of us smiling at the camera. I remember smiling so much that day that my cheeks hurt. It wasn’t often we had a day like that.

After our parents died we moved in with a foster family. They were a nice couple but nothing was ever the same.

Shelby closes the box and heads to the shower hoping the water will make these memories go away.

There’s very little left in this world that makes Shelby Reid. Actually, there’s nothing. Shelby Reid is a cover name for her new job in Boston. As an undercover agent, adapting to a new role is one of her favorite things. She can leave it all behind and become someone new. This assignment is going to take several months. She’s glad that work keeps her focused and busy. She pulls out her laptop and pops in the CD Naomi had left. The files are of her future co-workers at Biogenetic Technologies. She will be undercover as the executive assistant.

Saturday has come and Shelby digs around the room looking for the pair to her running shoe. She picks up the shoebox in the corner. It drops out of her hand as if it were made of iron.

Today’s the day Sara died; she was fifteen. How could I have forgotten what day it is?

For Shelby it might as well have happened yesterday. Unable to face the past she picks up her phone and calls Naomi to meet her.

Shelby steps out onto the cold wet sidewalk of her apartment and inhales the dark winter air. The whiskey on her breath would kill a fly if it came near her. It’s only a few blocks to the Cricket Street Pub where Naomi is waiting for her. The cold chills her through and she welcomes the numb feeling. Shelby holds her head up and marches forward.

She slides into a chair across from Naomi.

“Hey kid. You don’t look so good.” Naomi smirks.

“You wouldn’t too if you were me. Can I get a shot over here?” Shelby says flagging the waitress.

“What’s wrong?” Naomi leans back in her chair. She stares at the worn out woman setting across form her.

“Well, it’s a long story. Not one that I share often, or ever. The events of the last few days though, they’ve made me think about some things. When I was seventeen my sister, Sara had been begging to get her learners permit. We had just moved to a new foster place so I agreed to take her. Sara was so happy when she passed the test. I’m not sure how but she managed to convince me to let her drive us back to the house. It was a stupid idea and a decision I’ll regret for the rest of my life. On our way back, a truck ran the stop sign and hit the driver’s side. I woke up in the ambulance. Sara died in the car. I spent a week in the hospital. When I got better all I wanted was to get out of the state. I enrolled three weeks later, after my eighteenth birthday and never looked back.” Shelby picks up the glass of Jack Daniel’s and swallows its contents. She’s lost count of how many she’s had. Shelby exhales.

“I never even went to her grave. What kind of crap sister am I, huh? No matter where I go she finds me.”

Naomi sits quietly, listening. Shelby reaches into her pocket and pulls out the small peace sign keychain and lays it on the table.

“I could say a lot of things that would just sound empty and polite. You’re pretty wasted and most likely won’t remember this tomorrow anyway. Truth is, I don’t know what it’s like to lose someone like that. You were a kid yourself and you can’t blame yourself for what happened. Carrying around that crap can get you killed on the job. You gotta find a way to deal with this.” Naomi sighs and looks at the tabletop.

“Ya know I have a kid sister.” Naomi says picking up the bottle and pours them both another shot. She raises her glass.

“Here’s to sisters.”

They clink glasses and Shelby swallows slowly.

“You’re crazy if you think I’m going back there. What’s done is in the past. I’ll be fine.” Shelby was growing tired and sadder by the minute.

“Just need to get past this weekend and it’ll be alright.”

$70 for a round trip to San Francisco

2009-03-18T14:05:00.000-07:00

This week couldn’t get here fast enough for me. Mid-terms were really ruff. I had to mail my paintings in to my teacher in San Francisco and pay to have them returned to me. $70.00 later, wishing I didn’t have such commitment issues with my paintings and could just send them to SF and not want them back. In Art History… a class I loved last semester, not so in love with this semester. I read the study guide wrong. I only studied the main 8 pieces of art and reviewed everything else loosely. When I got to the test I was shocked to find that only two of the pieces I had fervently study were on the essay portion. Faced with two additional pieces of art that I barely knew I freaked out. I did my best, which wasn’t very good. I knew next to nothing about the one painting. My grade is gonna be interesting to learn. I was completely bummed out the whole day and some the next day too. It’s moments like those that frustrate me because I don’t drink. I really could’ve used something to take the edge off. But I survived and it’s not the end of the world. The pint of chocolate ice cream helped. The other classes didn’t have much of a mid-term, mostly just reviewing.

After all that the break has been pretty great. I’ve tried to lay low and not spend any cash. I had some gift cards and a half off coupon at NY&Co. A little retail therapy can go a long way. Bought a few new paintbrushes too. That makes me very happy.

I’m going to get a new tattoo also! It’s a little outline of a butterfly on my ankle. I decided not to go for one of the big expensive ones that I’ve been wanting and keep it simple and cheap. I decided I needed/deserved the reward since I canceled the Boston St. Patrick’s Day trip.

Well, I’m back to writing my short story and painting. Just because it’s Spring Break doesn’t mean I don’t have homework, gotta love it.

Day with Jenny, Jennifer and McD’s

2009-03-09T14:03:00.000-07:00

Monday was beautiful outside and I didn’t want to stay indoors at all. I was in need of a study buddy for my Art History mid-term… Jenny and Jennifer said they’d be glad to help. I met Jennifer at Akins, where she works and I used to work. Trippy being back there and seeing people. We left and met Jenny at City Pond Park. I swear it felt like we were 19 again. This once was typical behavior of ours. The park is small but has all the necessary elements, a lovely pond, trees and a playground with swings for big kids. Which would be me. It was fun just hanging out talking and getting sun. Someone made the suggestion of food before heading to G’ma’s house to study. Someone said “happy meals” and the decision was quickly made. We arrive at McD’s and no one was in the place. The boy at the counter was totally flirting with me, although I stand by my statement, “He was flirting with all of us.” He kept asking me questions about my tattoo and school, which I politely answered. Understand that he was cute but WAY to young for me. As I waited for the girls to get their drinks and food Jenny asked me if I wanted her to give the boy my number (in a threatening way) to which I threatened to dump my drink on her if she tried any such thing. Jennifer waved me over to her at the drink stand and proceeded to ask the same thing, my reply, I’ll dump my drink on you. Jennifer’s all, he’s really cute! I’m like yeah, if you want jail bait! We headed to the car and they both give me a hard time, especially Jennifer. They’re my friends; this is their job. Jenny came to my defense in agreement that he was really young and not a wise idea to attempt a date. I’m really not trying to judge anyone here but the fact that he looks young and works the register at McD’s tells me he’s barely out of high school. There’s nothing wrong with working at McD’s! I’m just saying I’m not going there.

Finally free of the topic we arrive at G’ma’s and crack the books (or laptop as it were). We got through most of it in a few hours and then it was time for the girls to head home. Sad the day had to end cause it was soooooooo much fun. Totally reminded me of the summer of 2002. If Jenny and Jennifer lived in Winder forever I might just have to move back there so we could hang out every week.

We’re retiring to the same community. The old folks home has never seen a group like us! We’re gonna cause so much trouble. Hahahaha!

New Year, New Season

2009-01-13T09:27:00.000-08:00

Here I sit in the back of a red van headed south, to the beach. After some much needed sleep I’m listening to my family discuss what type of room we should get at the hotel. In my family there’s no such thing as reservations. I gotta admit that this wasn’t how I expected to be spending the day. Everyone keeps asking about this “new year” and how I’m gonna change it from the last…resolutions. Well, I’m not a fan of this kind of thinking. Every day is a chance to start new. For me this is a new season of life. Not to be cheapened by a New Year’s resolution. You know what I mean, the thing that you swear you're gonna do like workout and eat healthy...a week later you're sitting on the couch eating Cheetos. Everything has changed for me...job, school, money, perspective. I figured it’s a great time to tackle some things that I’ve put off and start some new traditions. Now that I have no schedule I might as well get back to working out every morning and preparing a real breakfast. The best part so far, has been staying up late and sleeping late. My natural clock is very happy with this life style. Also, I get a lot done between 10pm and 2am. No one calls or interrupts me then, I can get work done. After realizing that I have total freedom until the end of the month I decided to hitch a ride to the beach this week. I figured I could accomplish as much sitting on the beach as I have been at home. It’s not like there’s a lot of jobs to be had right now. The internet makes everything more convenient. It the midst of constant change and very little control I’m trusting God more fearlessly everyday.

I really do like rollercoasters but...

2008-12-12T06:20:00.000-08:00

Seriously, my week has been full of tears and laughter. Last Thursday I was told that on December 31st I would no longer have a job after 5 years at the company. I knew it was coming but still, a hard blow. I still haven't processed what this means to me. I don't think I can unless I want to cry for 3 days. I just sucked it up and I'm pushing forward so I can help my boss get ready for having to do 5 people's jobs now.
As I've been trying to figure out what happens on January 1st to me... I talked with my Grandmother about co-signing a loan so I can be a full-time student. She's really open to it. Hopefully this means that I'll just be looking for a part-time job.
Finals end next Thursday and I can't wait to be finished. I love school but finals stress me out!
My sister and her kids are in town and I love her but they've required alot of my time so it's been hard to keep up with everything. Yesterday we went to Aveda for my sis to get her hair fixed by Mike (whom I love!). We were there for 5 hours! It took forever, poor Mike. I got to hang with Hayley and Kirsten for a while and catch up. So, my sister kept telling me that Mike was into me and asking questions about me. Last time we were there, like a week ago, I had Kirsten give him my number but he never called. I was like, ok, maybe he's not that into me. I found out yesterday that he broke up with his girlfriend last week. They had been on and off for a while. When we were leaving yesterday he made it a point to come up to me and talk and give me his number and said, he really wanted to hang out soon but understands that I'm wrapping up school...please give him a call. =) I was on cloud nine. I'm like, He really likes me!!! I can see where we have some differences and probably no future but it'll be fun to hang out and get to know each other.
After that we went to see Australia. I had heard amazing things about it but it was even better than I expected.
I've had 4 hours of sleep and can't concentrate on work right now.
So, I'm off to finals and a Christmas party.
I really miss my friends right now!!!

2008-11-26T13:06:00.001-08:00

I guess it’s a good thing that work has been very busy today. It has kept me from being focused on my anger. I had a conversation last night with a friend that just got divorced. Turns out she had been abused the last two years. As I talked with her my heart broke and I cried with her and encouraged her as much as I could. After the phone call I got angry. I’m so glad that her ex lives in another state. I’m so glad that she got out before he killed her. I’m so glad that she didn’t tell me when this was happening. Because if she had, there would’ve been nothing that kept me from getting to her and bringing her home. No amount of astronomical gas prices or lack of vacation days would’ve kept me from helping her. Of course when I got there the rage most likely would’ve taken over and the need to show him what it feels like to be powerless would’ve come out.

See, I’ve been that girl. So in love. So broken down with no self worth left and I couldn’t fight for myself. I had to have someone do it for me. Now, knowing what I know, I will fight for her. Maybe not with fists, guns and knives but with love, words, compassion and empathy.

I know God said that vengeance is His. I respect that and I obey that. There is a level of protection for our loved ones that we are responsible for as well. We will be held accountable for what we do to and for other humans, especially other Christians. We’re supposed to know better and do better. Act like Christ.

Nothing makes me angrier than to hear of a human beating another human. A friend once said that once a man has hit a woman he is no longer a man. That, I have to agree with. I think at that point a man becomes something else entirely. God never intended this for us.

My friend wants to move past it and almost act like nothing happened because she wants to be strong. She wants to prove that she can handle this. The problem is we weren’t made to handle this. Even the strong break under that kind of pressure.

I wish men would understand that no matter what has happened to them in their life you have to have control of your temper and anger. If you aren’t careful it will so easily become hitting your girlfriend or wife.

In that aspect I’m sorry for what this man has had to go through. Her ex was abused by his dad, now he’s become the abuser and lost his wife because of it.

It is a sad situation. But she’s strong and if she’ll let God, He’ll heal her and she can move on. It is going to be a long road though. It all makes me want to go Carrie Underwood on his car!

My food for today.

2008-11-24T12:42:00.000-08:00

"Love passionately your mission" Rodin STOP! Think about this one.

"Follow your bliss" Joseph Campbell

Whatever it is that sets you on fire, go after it. You may not know but look. We all have a purpose and when you find it then that is a great gift as you are living truly as who you are. We spend a lot of time working, find something that is really you. Look around. Lots of people don't and their spirit dies a little each day. Find it, be realistic and make it work as a life. -Perkins

Churches

2008-11-12T12:19:00.000-08:00

Here’s my rant for the day. What is up with Americans!?!?! In my Art History class we’re studying Byzantine art. These churches are amazing! As Americans, we’d never build anything as a house of worship that even compared to these amazing architectural accomplishments. There are a handful of churches that could be near the same category and most of them are in the northeast. It’s just unbelievable to me that we’re the richest country and put so little into our places of worship. There are of course the mega churches that are massive and somewhat interesting architecturally. For the most part they lack inspiration. Most churches I’ve seen or visited make me wonder where are the artists in the community? Where are the believers that are moved and inspired by the story of Christ? The churches in Europe are so magnificent they can move you to tears and the word “spectacular” barely begins to describe them. Maybe one day our society will catch up or on. I doubt it. We are a very selfish culture in general.

Anyway, here are some of the churches I'm talking about.

2008-11-11T10:15:00.000-08:00

I had this therapeutic experience last night. About a week ago I got these crazy-fun extensions in my hair. I loved them! It totally made me feel like a rock star. I had to get them fixed on Saturday because it was too loose. Ever since then I’ve had a huge headache. No amount of Advil helped. I decided yesterday that I couldn’t take it anymore and tried to find someone to take them out for me, but no luck. I decided to wait another day and hopefully they would get better. I was getting ready for bed and noticed one was really loose and tried to fix it. When I did it fell out. I was like “Ok, it’s on now.” One by one I snipped the string that held fake hair in my head and watched it fall. As my head little by little started to feel better I began to realize that my fake hair was a metaphor for something very real to me. See, I have a good friend that is struggling through some major decisions right now. My heart breaks for her. I’ve prayed for her. I’ve cried for her. I’ve talked with and encouraged her. At the end of the day she’s still on the fence. And lets face it; life is much easier if you don’t have to think too much about spiritual stuff and consequences. I realized that if I asked her right now, “What makes you different from a non-Christian when it comes to your actions?” She probably wouldn’t have a lot to say. And that makes me so sad. I realized that we all have a bottom to hit when it comes to our sin. I did. I drank and partied with the best of them through out Athens until I hit a wall and realized I was becoming someone that I never wanted to be and I needed help. I finally got it and got into church and chose to have a personal relationship with Christ. It changed everything. I still made mistakes and poor choices but at the end of the day I can look myself in the mirror and be happy with who I am and what I see. I’m stronger because I choose Christ. I’m healthier because I haven’t let what someone did to me define me. I’ve worked hard and clung to Christ and for that I’m so grateful.

I want to be different. I don’t want to be just like everyone else in the culture. I want to be sharp, stylish and modest. Most of all I want to be me in Christ. So I let go of the fake hair. It was never really me anyway. And I surrender all my worries about my friend to Christ. It’s time for me to be ok with being called “straight-laced” and happy that people recognize that I’m different in that way from others.

So, you lick my tattoo...

2008-11-07T08:09:00.000-08:00

Halloween is a crazy day. When will I learn to just go home and hide under a blanket while watching It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown? Instead I decided to go have a blast with the girls. I swear the best part of the night was all of us getting ready. Getting all dolled up in our fun costumes and taking pictures... chatting, rambling, decompressing, and dancing to the crazy music. Hands down it was my best memory of the night. It would be real easy to say the cute boy that asked me to dance, insane boy that mistook me for his "girlfriend" and tried to give me a lapdance or the guy that liked my tattoo so much he decided to lick it, with out asking I might add, topped the list as most memorable. But No! The girls that I went out with are the most amazing part of the night! L with her sarcasm and incredible dance moves, H with her "everyone must meet me and my amazing friends" mentality, and S with her genuine get-to-know-you attitude made this Halloween unforgettable. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

New Hairs

2008-11-07T08:08:00.000-08:00

I think that a new hair do changes your perspective on the world. I'm not certain this is what happens because it seems temporary. While in the temporary stage the world is a new toy. There's a new confidence to walk up and talk to new people. You're favorite drink at Starbucks taste sweeter. Maybe that's just the new soymilk. The sun shines brighter, but it could be that lack of sleep thing. It took forever to put in my new hair last night. I got four hours of sleep. Maybe I just need to chill.

I still think that the new hair has given me a ton of confidence though.

and that's when I decided to go home...

2008-11-05T09:09:00.000-08:00

It always seem to happen when I least expect it. I was walking around the grocery store and saw this guy about 22 with a bright ti-dyed shirt on and an "I Voted" sticker. It made me smile that this guy voted and he was wearing ti-dye. Don't know why, it just did.

Later I noticed him at the check out and he has this great tattoo on the lower back of his neck that says "copyright 1981". It was the copyright symbol. I loved it! As I'm staring at his tat the check out girl informs me that my card didn't work. So, I scan it again as I'm trying to think of something clever to say, if I can get his attention. The check out girl again informs me that my card didn't work. I look down and realize that I've been scanning my card upside down and backwards.

And that's when I decided to not look up again and go home. Wow, blonde moment.